(BELL TOLLING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(LIGHTER FLICKING)
Diamond Dog, carrying a cup and a cane.
DIAMOND DOG: Bloom.
Bloom, Bloom, Bloom.
How long has it been?
Mmm?
Tea.
Can you believe it? Tea.
Been a long time, huh?
If I call Stephen down here, he'll kill you.
You're terrified, huh? Don't be scared.
I'm an old man
with no depth perception.
You don't have to be scared of me.
You know, it's been a funny thing,
watching you boys take what I taught you and eclipse me.
I am so proud
to be a footnote in the life of the brothers Bloom.
But you
hate me.
You probably won't believe, but I loved you both very much.
But love...
You know, folks like us,
you can always blink and realize that it's a fiction.
And like Peter walking on water or Wile E. Coyote running off a cliff,
if you look down in doubt,
you will fall.
That's the price of our lives, the wax in our wings.
One day, Stephen's going to fall.
It may be glorious, but he's going to fall hard,
and he won't be there to tell you what to do, to protect you.
And without him, what would you do?
I remember all the other boys when I went for the belt.
They would run. They would fight. But not you.
You were so passive, paralyzed.
This is a warning, Bloom, and an offer.
When he's gone,
remember me.
Oh!
Stephen.
We were just talking about you.
(GROANING)
Fuck you!
(SHOUTING IN CZECH)
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
You can't always be there.
Yeah, I guess I can't.
(SIGHING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Max!
Aren't we a little early?
Well, he's gone, that's for sure.
Probably halfway around the world by now.
Aren't you a wee bit early...
STEPHEN: I don't get it.
If he was hightailing it, why didn't he just wait eight hours
until we traded the book for the million,
then he'd a had some walking-around money.
Oh, well, back to antiquing.
Nothing lost, nothing gained.
Oh.
"Oh?"
(SIGHS)
The check was cashed yesterday afternoon.
He would have deposited it in a Swiss account by now.
I'm sorry, Pen. I'm sorry.
Such a waste.
Poor man. Poor Argentina man.
I mean, he's never gonna even see that book now.
It's just gonna rot away in those catacombs.
No.
BLOOM: There is no book, all right. We've been swindled.
Well, maybe there is. Maybe it's real.
- It's not real, it's a con. - No.
You know what? It's my money, so I'm going to find out for sure.
He gave us every piece of information we need.
Well, we'd have to clear the administrative offices.
Some sort of...
Disruption.
STEPHEN: She's an artist with nitroglycerin. It's kind of her thing.
I feel like I want to know more about her.
Yeah.
BLOOM: A few years back, when we hit the top of our smuggling game,
she just appeared.
And we figure someday she'll just disappear.
Check out the tat on the back of her neck.
It's an inky wisp of personal information.
Essentially, it means,
"When you're done with something, blow it up."
The smoke detector is in these empty rooms in the east tower.
We're gonna plant and set off a tiny, tiny...
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)
Tiny charge.
A puff of smoke sets off the fire alarm in the rafters.
Fire drill ensues, offices empty.
Excuse me.
You have exactly four and a half minutes
to get through the access hatch, into the catacombs,
grab the book and get out before the fire brigade arrives.
The abort code, in case we have to abort, is "corned beef."
For some reason.
PENELOPE: (SOFTLY) Okay, so she blows this one up.
This is Yueng Ling's backpack?
Yeah.
You know what I feel?
Horny?
Scared.
And all my big talk, showing off all the time.
But, I mean, this isn't a story,
it's real.
It's freaky scary.
Well, as long as you focus on,
you know, second left, third right.
(MOANS)
(CHUCKLES)
(MOANING CONTINUES)
Okay.
All right?
Okay.
You know, for the record, I'm still against this.
Why send her in alone?
Because going in alone is a very important thing to do.
Listen, she's walking into a tourism office during a fire drill
and taking a phony manuscript from a lousy crawlspace.
Worst-case scenario, a file clerk asks her if she's lost,
which isn't even gonna happen.
Okay, she's in position.
Because no one's gonna even know we were ever here.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Fuck me.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Come on, don't do it. Don't, don't, don't...
Abort! Corned beef, corned beef!
(MAN SPEAKING IN CZECH)
(ALARM BEEPING)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(MEN CLAMORING IN DISTANCE)
Wait, wait. We're fine. We're fine. She's fine.
Listen, if the soldiers find her wandering the halls
they'll assume she's a clerk. They'll just shoo her out.
So as long as she doesn't do anything suspicious, she's fine.
(THUDDING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GROANING)
(GUNS COCKING)
(PANTING)
STEPHEN: Oh, no.
It's the chief of police.
The chief of police!
Thank you.
(SPEAKING IN CZECH)
(SQUEALING)
(SCREAMING)
I have, at different points in my life,
quite literally sold ice to an Eskimo and sand to an Arab.
But I have no idea what she could have said to that man
to have sweet-talked her way out of that castle.
I could ask her.
How obtuse.
Let her sleep. Train doesn't leave until 8:00.
(SIGHS)
That was real.
Yeah, I know.
Huh...
Freaky scary.
(MILES FROM NOWHERE PLAYING)
Miles from nowhere
Guess I'll take my time
Oh, yeah
To reach there
Look up at the mountain
I have to climb
Oh, yeah
To reach there
Lord, my body
It's been a good friend
I won't need it
When I reach the end
Miles from nowhere
Guess I'll take my time
Oh, yeah
(SHOUTING IN CZECH)
To reach there
I creep through the valleys
And I grope through the woods
'Cause I know when I find it, my honey
It's gonna make me feel good, yes
An apple.
Yeah, it was part of an epiphany.
I love everything
So don't it make you feel sad
'Cause I'll drink to you, my baby
I'll think to that Yes, I'll think to that
I'll think to that
Miles from nowhere
Guess I'll take my time
(FOGHORN BLARING)
Oh, yeah
To reach there
Mexico.
Okay, we're rendezvousing with the Argentina guys here,
on a isolated beach just south of the Hotel Tampico.
A simple handoff.
Penelope, you and Yueng Ling stay with the car,
Bloom and I will be doing the handing.
You guys seem a little tense.
Well, I'm not thrilled they set this in Mexico.
There could be legitimate reasons, but Mexico's...
And I don't like to simplistically vilify an entire country,
but Mexico's a horrible place.
So we'll be careful.
This is gonna be dangerous tomorrow, right?
Yeah.
(BANG BANG FIRING GUN)
You should sleep at the hotel tonight.
I'll stay with Stephen at the beach house.
But you'll need sleep.
I'm really happy right now. Are you?
Right now I am.
(SINGING) I wanna be a smuggler smuggle by day, drink by night
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
The last box in our last con.
How's it feel?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, what's up?
Bloom! What?
My brother and I are con men.
And...
Everything since you hit me with your Lamborghini,
it's all fake, it's all
a con.
Stephen's gone into town to prep the Argentina actors.
Money's in his place.
Money? I don't want the money, let's just go.
Come on, come on.
STEPHEN: You have to switch it on at the base.
So, I told her our whole play.
And I'm here to take her money back.
How does that make you feel?
Disappointed.
This isn't the ending you wanted?
(SCOFFS)
What does that matter? This is the way it ends now.
So I might as well just get it over with.
- Where's the money? - I ate it.
- Give me the money, Stephen. - No.
PENELOPE: I don't want the money.
He's not gonna keep a single piece of you. Give me the money.
I'm sorry you fell in love with her. She's a mark.
And all of this, all of it is just a con.
And every moment you share with her,
you're just playing the part of a man falling in love.
That's what you're afraid of, isn't it?
That you don't know the difference.
Or maybe that there really is no difference.
That that's what love is, right?
Okay, we're leaving.
STEPHEN: No.
You're too scared to leave.
You're too scared to ride off into the sunset,
because real sunsets might be beautiful
but they turn into dark, uncertain nights.
No, you're not ready, otherwise you wouldn't be here right now.
The money is in my bedroom. It's right behind me.
But in my story you don't get the money or the sunset or the girl.
Bloom,
let's just go.
Please.
Please?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Tastes like tinfoil.
I'm sorry.
(GROANING)
Shh. Shh. Shh.
BLOOM: Get out of here.
Take the car and go.
I'm not going anywhere.
(SINGING) The storm is passed There is peace at last
I've spent my whole life sleeping
Now there's not a sound
No one to be found anywhere
A shepherd and a sheep will wind you to sleep
Where else on earth would you rather go?
To a land of wonder when you go under
Why would we want
to come back at all?
PENELOPE: Hey.
How'd you find me?
Bang Bang.
How'd you find Bang Bang?
She gave me her number when we were in Mexico. Her cell.
Bang Bang has a cell phone?
Yeah.
I think she's kind of selective in who she gives her number to.
Why are you here, Penelope?
Okay.
Well, I...
I've had a lot of time, you know,
to think, these past three months
and I want you to seriously consider this.
Go away.
Everything Stephen said was true.
I was just playing you as a mark.
Okay? Everything between us,
none of it was real.
Okay.
I don't believe you.
BLOOM: I let you do your monologue, but you wanna know why?
I let her believe everything you said,
so she'd never want to see me again.
Get her away from all this for good.
- You wanna tell me what I'm doing here? - You knew she'd come back.
What did you figure she was good for, another million?
$1.75 million.
Look, of course she came back.
She never got what she wanted.
(SCOFFS)
Neither did you.
All right, look, we're gonna end this.
You built us into this, you're gonna fly us out,
you're gonna end it, so she's done with this.
End it all so she can't start up again.
Are you sure that's what you want?
I love her.
I don't want to turn her into me.
Well, we can't do the next job
until we liquidate our assets from the last job.
Uh-uh, you've got my million from the last job, so...
That's profit, not capital, the three of us already split that up.
So, step number one is to sell the book of hours.
PENELOPE: Ah.
The one that you told me was fake, right?
Actually, with all your random expertise,
we couldn't risk a flat-out fake.
But to get top dollar, we'll have to sell it deep black market.
And there's only one place that's deep enough for that.
Where?
- Who'd you get, anyway? - Hmm?
To play the Russians.
My boys.
I don't understand.
We're sending Penelope off into the sunset, that's what we're doing.
Why is he here?
We need someone to pass for the Russian mob to sell our fake book to.
The Dog has his big store right here in Saint Petersburg.
All right, stop.
I hate him, Stephen.
But this isn't that.
This is I don't trust him.
Yeah, what's he gonna do?
Steal our fake money?
I have thought this through, believe me.
And we can't end it without him.
Trust me. It's gonna be okay.
DIAMOND DOG: Stephen, still the grand architect.
Your symbols, red for temptation, white for salvation.
And our hero must face the Minotaur before he escapes the maze.
Uh-huh.
Pickup will be at your store.
Scare her, think a movie version of the Russian mob,
but don't hassle the girl.
The girl? What's her name?
You don't need to know her name.
I know it. Penelope.
I look forward to meeting the lady.
All right, here we go.
We got the back windshield wired to explode,
and there's a large charge underneath the hood.
After the handoff with the Dog, we drive out of town.
Late that night, we stop at a gas station
where our fake Russians double-cross us,
and kill us all in a moonlight ambush.
We all die. Bloom takes a bullet so Penelope can escape.
The end.
Okay.
You've been awfully quiet.
I'm doing this for her, you know.
Tomorrow is the big day.
(GUNSHOTS)
Get down!
(GROANING)
- Out! - Come on, come on.
Get out, get out.
Bloom! Bloom.
(COUGHS)
What happened?
You okay?
What happened? Where's Stephen?
Stephen?
I think...
Bloom, I think they might have got him,
because I think they double-crossed us or something,
because, you know, I think they got Stephen, but...
- Stephen's notebook. - They're gonna want money
so then we can get him back.
Who's got him?
Why, I think the Russians got him, Bloom.
Stephen, God, please, what's happening?
I don't know what to do, Stephen.
Shit!
If you know what's happening, now would be a really good time to speak up.
Oh, please. Please, not now. I need your help here.
I don't know what to do.
Thanks.
I can't believe it.
What, that Bang Bang fell for a car bomb?
Neither can I.
Oh, you mean...
You think maybe she faked it
to make the Russians think she was dead?
Bloom, what do we do now?
PENELOPE: It's a ransom note.
It says they have Stephen.
It says they want the money wired to a specific account.
They give a bank to do it at, a manager to ask for.
Then an address to go to at 2:00 p.m., in two hours.
Okay.
Well, I'll wire the money from my account, and we'll go get Stephen.
It's a lot.
I'll do it. I want to. I've got...
Well, how much are they asking for?
$1.75 million.
Oh.
Oh...
(CHUCKLING)
No! I'm gonna kill him. I am gonna kill him if that's what this is.
If that's all that this is, I will kill him.
Kill who? What are you talking about?
I will kill him. I will... No!
What?
I've been an idiot. This could all be a con by my brother to get me to...
Oh, God, he wanted me to end it, and he gets your money.
Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
But would he do that? To you?
I don't know.
Yes. Yeah, of course he would.
To tell a story so well it becomes real.
The perfect con. That's his whole...
God damn it, that's what.
You know what? We don't know.
- We better transfer the money. - Son of a...
It's your brother's life.
I'm gonna wire the money.
Okay.
PENELOPE: I'm coming in with you.
BLOOM: No, stay here.
Going in alone is a very important thing to do.
I'm so scared.
Anything I can imagine finding in there, I'm scared of.
I'm gonna be here when you come out.
(DOOR CREAKING)
Stephen?
Game's up. Come on out.
Come on, let's blow this one-hat town.
(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
- Stephen! - No, Bloom.
(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Did Penelope wire the money?
Yeah.
Stephen, tell me what this is.
Jesus Christ, Bloom, I'm sorry.
I don't need sorry. I need the truth.
God damn it, Stephen. You tell me what to do.
- Get the hell out of here now! - Tell me the truth.
Is this a con or is it real?
A con?
It's real, Bloom.
DIAMOND DOG: Hello, Bloom.
God damn it, Bloom. It's real, this is not a con.
Are you happy to hear from your old Diamond Dog?
These are the Dog's men. He's crossed us for revenge.
Damn it, Bloom, run!
I told you Stephen would fall.
And you? You are paralyzed,
praying this is just another one of Stephen's stories.
Is it?
Close your eyes now, sweet child.
And I will tell you the truth.
(COCKS GUN)
No!
STEPHEN: Bloom!
(GUN CLICKS)
He's got another gun!
(STEPHEN GROANS)
(STEPHEN GROANING)
Please tell me that's makeup.
Please tell me that's a cackle-bladder,
and you just pulled off the perfect con.
Please.
You said it, not me.
Can I get a "wow" for this?
Wow.
You son of a bitch.
(SOBBING)
You did it. You're done here.
I want you to promise me you'll never come back to St. Petersburg again.
Tastes like tinfoil.
All right, here's what I want you to do. Bang Bang split?
Yeah. Clean exit.
How?
Car bomb.
Good.
- Penelope? - She's outside.
All right, here's what.
Take Penelope to Helsinki, get that flight to Rio.
Play out the whole "on the run from vengeful Russians" thing,
that'll be fun for her. Play it like I'm dead, actually.
That'll add some gravity to everything.
And I'll see you when I see you.
- When? - I don't know. Not too soon, I hope.
Last thing you need is me hanging around.
Anyway, how am I going to top this?
Bloom,
pick a card.
- All right. - Got it?
Yeah.
(BLOOM CHUCKLES)
That's the best card trick I've ever seen.
Wish you had a bigger audience.
You're the only audience I ever needed.
I love you.
Bye.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
It's okay. It's okay.
(GASPING)
You know, he said this thing to me once.
He said to me,
"There's no such thing as an unwritten life.
"Just a badly written one."
(EXHALING) Oh, God.
I love you, Bloom.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna live
like we're telling the best story in the whole world.
Are you ready?
BLOOM: And Stephen said something else, once.
"The perfect con is one where everyone involved
"gets just the thing they wanted."
Well...
(THE FABULIST PLAYING)
You came to me
In the hospital ward when I blew out my knee
But I wasn't there to be cared for or carried
'Cause I was asleep
In my bed, in my house at the end of our street
While you drove across town at 3:00 in the morning
It was fake
For the sake
Of making you take me for real
But I guess you're even less impressed
If the world is a stage
And we're all of us actors in some cosmic play
I am the man at the masquerade
Who was fake
For the sake
Of making you take me for real
But I guess you're even less impressed
I keep trying to paint a picture
'Cause what I drew
Could be improved
If I could make you see
More flame than flicker
These half-truths
Could be improved
With less of me
And more you
Believe what I speak
At least just keep
Speaking to me